♪
♪ I used to be the queen of the music scene ♪
♪ Cristal, Prada, Limousines. ♪
♪ I was living large 'til trouble found me. ♪
♪ Found me. ♪
♪ And now I'm stuck in hell, suburbia, ♪
♪ never knew what two kids could do to ya ♪
♪ Soccer moms and carpools make me... ♪
♪ SCREAM! ♪
♪ (Screams) ♪
♪ This is gonna be tough, but I gotta ♪
♪ Mother... Mother Up! ♪
♪
Welcome aboard, 2-bit.
And remember, Mass Exploitation Records
is a family - it's competitive,
full of drunks, and there are a lot of
annoying rules about who you can sleep with.
Well, Mass Exploitation Records lucky to have me
'cause I'm a genius.
Let's see what come into my head. Got it!
My next album's gonna be forty minutes of silence
and then the sound of me kicking a dog.
You love that idea, right?
I'm a genius, right?
No, you're a rich spoiled brat and everyone's
afraid to tell you when you're being stupid.
That's why you need me.
No one should have let you release
"Everybody Shut Up, I'm Drawing a Horse".
What!? Everyone who works for me loved that record!
I'm a genius! I'll kill you right here!
Where's my polar bear at!?
Snowball! Get in here and eat this-
Cool. you bring me back to mother Earth.
You like gravity, baby.
Yup, that's me:
an unstoppable force of nature
that likes to make fat people fall down.
Just be in the studio tomorrow.
And remember, you're an idiot
who doesn't really matter.
Damn. That really takes the pressure off.
Maybe I can go back to recording actual music.
I'll see you in the studio.
I'll be the sexy mother-
Shut up. get out. a'right.
Hey, there's our genius!
Look at how he walks out of a room.
OMG!
That guy is weird.
He makes me uncomfortable.
Oh, he just needs somebody to kick his ass
so he'll start writing real songs again.
Everybody wins.
This is the record business.
The only place everyone wins
is the special Olympics.
And even then you have to tell them.
What exactly did you do to sign that freakshow?
It was easy. Brats like 2-bit get bored
because they've run out of rules to break.
So I arranged for him to break some rules
he'd never even thought of.
I take it back. I don't even want to know what you did.
Just promise me no one else will either.
I heard a rumor that some children got hurt
and that is a PR Dutch oven that we do not need.
The story about the children
will never come out. and even if it did,
no one would believe it.
I happen to be a fantastic mother.
He's black, but he ain't no hole: Sgt. Quasar!
I miss you too, sweetheart.
Don't work too hard.
You idiot!
Crap. My stupid wife is here.
My new Mercedes is way too beautiful.
How can I compete with that aqua pearl finish?
All I've got is this lousy skin-colored skin!
I hate that car! Go smash it right now.
Mommy!
Hug zone. Hug zone.
Mmmmm.
Are you smashing it?
I don't hear smashing...
Or you crying.
Oh, I'm getting a call...
Garry!
What?!
A tourist captured this video of hip hop artist
2-bit apparently hunting children
in the jungles of central America.
Ah, dios Mio!
El chupacabra Negro!
Ah!
Although it has been difficult to identify
the woman accompanying 2-bit, everyone agrees
she must be a terrible, terrible person.
Rudi, the press is gonna crucify us!
And not in the cool "we're going to base
a religion on you" way. just in the painful
"nail you to a piece of wood" part.
Would you relax?
We used tranquilizer darts and most of the
children we shot had agreed to the game.
For a piece of food.
No. This is way over the line.
You're my top earner, but I'm going to have
to feed you to the wolves on this one.
Wait. What are you talking about?
You're done. The press conference
is already forming downstairs.
I have to get down there first!
You can take my job,
but I won't let you paint me as a monster
just because I hunted a few kids!
Not my real hair!
Not my real ass!
I am disgusted!
Disgusted that this company could
endorse this kind of heinous behavior.
Even taking into account the amazing hand-eye
coordination needed to hit such a small panicked
target in a poorly-lit environment like that.
Disgusted! [applause]
And therefore, instead of announcing a new division
to create music for needy children,
as I had totally planned to do today,
I am resigning in protest!
So that I may devote myself full-time
to raising my beloved children!
Wow! Supermom!
It was her! She's the one in the video!
Boo!
Bad man!
He hates supermom!
Look at her!
Look at the picture! It's clearly her!
[gasps]
I know one thing I won't miss about working here.
Having to dress like this.
[gasps]
This company hates women and children.
And did I mention I'm moving my family out of
the snakepit of Manhattan to a lovely healthy place
with real community and family values.
The suburbs...
In Canada.
Throw things at the bald guy!
I got 'im!
Ugh. Look, until mommy can get her
old job back in New York,
we're gonna have to live here,
in this damn Stepford nightmare.
What's a damn Stepford nightmare?
You know, where the men are murderers,
the kids get kidnapped in the dead of the night,
and the mommies all turn out to be
terrifying mindless robots.
Conchita! More coffee.
(smash)
Oh, right. We don't have servants anymore.
Conchita! Mess!
Does Bernice still work for us?
Who?
The nanny we've had our whole lives?
Not ringing a bell.
Oh, the one with all the moles?
Ugh. No, she's history.
So who's going to take care of me and Apple?
Duh. Me.
Do you know how to do that?
Hey, I was a senior management executive
at Mass Exploitation Records.
I think I can handle raising three kids.
Two.
Oh. Right. You just move around very quickly,
so sometimes it's hard to- okay, never mind.
The point is I happen to be
fantastic at everything, including mothering.
But daddy's still gonna live with us, right?
Of course.
So where is he?
He wasn't in the car when we drove here yesterday.
You're confused because your brain
hasn't fully developed yet.
He was sitting right next to me.
Jeffrey, hold the wheel. I need a smoke.
I can't believe that half-Norwegian bastard
tried to fire me.
Never trust foreigners
there are no racist stereotypes about.
You don't know what to watch out for.
[meow]
Dick, stop making cat noises, mommy's relaxing.
Grrr. Is everything okay?
So it's no big deal, but your loser father
has left us forever.
What!?
Hey, come on.
Who cares if instead of me he wants a 24-year-old
bag of syphilis and instead of you two
he wants - well, I guess nothing.
(crying loudly)
Whoa, whoa, what's going on?
Did something sad happen behind me?
(whistle) Listen, you got nothing to worry about.
I told you, I'm fantastic at everything,
so logically I will be fantastic at this.
How hard can it be? [honking]
There's your bus, Dick.
What about my lunch?
Right. And you eat - dry food? Wet food?
People food.
Correct.
Let it dry. It'll taste the same.
This is how mommy birds feed their babies.
Aren't we late for my first swimming class?
That's how you get the hot guys
to check you out when you come in.
That mole- covered woman
never taught you this stuff?
Hey, that's mine!
I don't know any of these kids.
Can I change my name to "girl who fits in?"
Part of me would love to watch that play out
when you meet the other kids, but no.
Ah, you must be Rudi and Apple.
I'm Greg Simmons, the kids' swim instructor.
So welcome to the class and to willowdale!
Thanks. So is there some kind of open bar
for the parents during class?
Ha! No. I always say,
"Splash of water finds news stands every day
splash of water oh, dap it."
That's nonsense.
And I think also Metallica lyrics.
Yes! They are a very underrated
source of wisdom.
Sometimes you have to sit with the words
to really get what they're going for.
Uh huh. How long you been sitting with those words?
Couple years. I'll figure them out, though.
I'm a life coach
so figuring stuff out is kinda my deal.
For instance, you love camping and the homeless.
It's a gift. See you in class.
Let's check if he was wrong about the bar.
Or we could just go home.
I could work on my new play about the magic
princess who has to deal with too much change
and develops an enchanted ulcer.
Listen, Shakira once told me
that when she first came to America-
oh my gosh, I'm so sorry to interrupt,
but did you just say Shakira?
Like, Shakira the singer?
No, it was Shakira the cardiac surgeon.
Oh.
I'm kidding. It was the singer.
Wow. I once drove part way
to New York City with my parents
and we thought we saw Jim Belushi
but it was just a pile of old meat.
Great story.
So how did you meet a celebrity?
Sarah! I'm sure you'd agree that the whole
culture of celebrity is toxic for children.
Well...
Toxic!
Okay.
Good! Now, shall we all get to class?
Okay. Come on, honey.
Moo.
Hi, I'm Jenny, the President of the PTA
and the homeowners' association
and really any time there's a group,
I'm in charge. welcome.
You always try to push people around like that?
There's no need for an angry voice.
And here's a little advice: Trying to get
attention by talking about famous people
is only going to make you look desperate.
And sad... And fat.
Okay, see you in class!
I've never been in a pool. I'm scared.
You're scared of this pool?
Okay, get ready for some gold medal parenting.
I was once at a wrap party and a little girl
just like you falls in a pool with a
goddamn twelve-foot crocodile in it.
Her parents try to save her and that monster
is on them in an anorexic second.
It takes them both down in a death roll
'cause you see, that's how they kill.
The girl sees her mommy and daddy torn into
a screaming milkshake of guts and snapping bones
right up in front of her.
It messed her up.
Probably ended up as a child prostitute in Guam.
So that's the pool you should be afraid of.
(whistle)
Class is starting.
[coughing]
Death roll! Death roll!
I don't want to go to Guam!
Oh, you poor thing!
Did somebody fail as a mommy? Did they?
Am I in Guam?
Are you my first customer?
Hey, that's mine.
Rudi, I want to share a rhyme we use here
to help responsibility- challenged mothers:
"Child near the pool, 'phone off' is the rule."
Now you say it with me.
Come here, Apple!
Rudi, you should watch that generalized anger.
It's very confusing to a child.
Do you feel blamed for mommy's mistake, honey?
Back off, blumpkin.
[gasps]
Oh, take a Xanax,
they don't know what that means.
Well, he probably does.
Okay, I got a tiny bit distracted,
but I happen to be a pretty good mother.
(ring)
I feel puffy.
Yeah, like the outdated portion
of Diddy's stage name.
Ha. You're outdated!
Dick!
I'm gonna pop him!
There shall be no unauthorized popping
of students on school grounds,
you loathsome tick of a boy.
I am Mrs. Moxley, the principal
of this establishment.
What did you do to my son?
I sent him off this morning boy-shaped
and human-colored.
And apparently you also sent him off
with pockets full of peanut bars to which his
transcripts claim he is violently allergic.
Personally I don't believe a word of it.
There's not the slightest evidence
of any- oh, wait!
He's utterly purple, hideously engorged,
and being bunged into a wretched ambulance!
He's allergic to...?
I'm not usually in charge of...
How am I supposed to keep track of
what will or won't close his stupid airways!?
How fortunate you have that small
emergency back-up child.
(sirens)
Hello? Rudi?
Rudi?
Go away!
I'm doing pilates.
Crying box vodka pilates.
Very hip.
Now piss off.
Well, I don't mean to interrupt... That,
but I wanted to say that I'm sorry you had
a tough first day and bring you this pie.
Can I drink it?
Well, no. It's a pie.
You know what I learned today? I suck.
My daughter, banana...
Apple.
You know what?
I'm not even going to tell you the story now.
You'll never know why Apple is terrified
of alligators.
I heard that Dick is deflating nicely, though.
Look, look, look...
You seem nice and no one that matters
will ever meet you so I can say this to you:
I'm failing as a mother. and I don't do failure.
I'm a winner.
So I'm putting the kids up on eBay
and running away
like a winner!
Please don't leave.
Jenny is a total meanie boots - sorry -
and you're the first person in a long time
to even try to stand up to her.
Yeah, she's a real baboon fluffer, that one.
How about this?
Don't think about this as "are you a good mother".
Think about this as a chance to beat Jenny
and all her mommy minions at their own game.
Well, I do like beating people.
And I hate Jenny.
It would be nice to combine those interests.
You can crush those evil moms at their own game.
I am--skilled at crushing.
You clawed your way to the top
of the record industry.
Yeah.
So you can claw your way to the top
of a suburban mommy ladder!
Is that a sex game? No!
Good! Then I'm back in!
Ugh!
All right, if I'm gonna bring these cows down I need some tactical information.
In the world of moms,
where do the most vicious, bloodthirsty
heartless battles for status take place?
Birthday parties.
Of course. On my birthday I could
finally make it all about me instead of the kids:
how creative I am, how smart I am,
how sexy I am - all about me.
Yes. Except it happens on a kid's birthday.
Oh, make the kid's party about me.
I'm good at making things about me.
Oh, I'm liking this.
But neither of your kids has a birthday for months.
Where are those school forms?
Ah! Dick is gonna turn ten
a little early this year.
Do you need someone to put out cups?
Because I can do that.
I just want to be part of the magic!
You just sit back and enjoy.
If there's one thing I know how to do,
it's throw a party!
You're good. 2:00, Saturday, this address.
But you're not wearing this crap.
[ringing]
This is immigration. We're about to raid
your establishment and destroy your business.
Or you can make me a perfect
Sgt. Quasar costume in a 42 long.
That is a weird bargain. But very fair.
Jacques, Rudi Wilson.
I need the best birthday cake in the world,
shaped like a spaceship and sent here by Saturday.
Ha! Your insane demand is impossible.
I'll send you the video you wanted
of our little encounter in the Metro last spring.
One big cake is on its way!
Rudi is going to send our sexual video!
Oh! Tres bien!
She was a beautiful and horrifying lover!
...And fifty of those.
[laughter]
You did it! This party is amazing.
Are those real Isaac Mizrahi hats?
I know a guy.
I wish I knew a guy.
I assume you're not going to be giving
toy guns to the children.
Of course not.
When the Martian brain suckers attack,
the children will need real guns
or they'll end up like your kids.
I guess you find child-on- child violence amusing.
Sometimes.
I think guns are always inappropriate
and I also think there's alcohol
in that French cake.
[meow]
Oh, crap. [doorbell]
that's the kid dressed as Sgt. Quasar,
he should distract everybody.
Son of a bitch!
I'm so sorry, my dear friend Rudi
just changed her mind. She wants to
go with your original version of the costume.
On him.
Who's worthless now, pop, ya dead son of a bitch?!
(screaming)
Where's the Quasar kid? I think you really need him.
That's it. I tried. I'm done.
[helicopter approaching]
♪ She a party girl living in a party world ♪
♪ She a party girl livin' in a party world ♪
Oh, my God, it's 2-bit!
Ladies and gentlemen, I am 2-bit.
And I heard that my good friend Dick
was having a birthday so I wanted to show up
and get the party started by singing my hit song
"Queen of the Party Planet" -
the theme to Sgt. Quasar's next movie.
Yay 2-bit!
And who is this?
Why, it looks like Drake Bradshaw,
star of Sgt. freakin' Quasar!
You are the coolest person I've ever met.
Teach me.
♪ Girl, don't be ashamed ♪
♪ You ain't gotta be ashamed ♪
♪ Them other bitches hatin' ♪
♪ 'cause they hardly in the game ♪
♪ Calling you a lame ho ♪
♪ They know your name, though ♪
(cheering)
How did you know I was doing this?
You butt-dialed me eight times in a week.
It was like listening to a sad
humiliating podcast. I wanted to help.
Oh. Well, this was grotesque overkill,
but I'll let you get away with it this time.
But if that stage squashed any kids
you're paying for them. deal.
Look, I kind of wanted you to owe me 'cause,
well, I'm totally out of control!
I'm pushing everybody at mass exploitation records
around like puppets.
I need my gravity.
I wish.
But I'm stuck here proving I'm supermom
until this child hunting thing blows over.
What!? I'm gonna demand they get me a huge
tattoo of myself that shows all my tattoos,
including that one.
That's right, I want an endlessly recursive
tattoo of myself or I ain't singing a note.
I'm the baddest mother-
oh, yeah. that's the stuff.
This is the most unbelievable party
the neighborhood has ever seen.
You sure showed up Jenny.
I beat them. And that is the
most important thing in the world.
This party is the best, mom!
Sgt. Quasar gave me an invisible shot
that protects me from crocodiles.
I didn't even know that existed.
I love you, mommy!
Me too!
Hug zone!
Mmm.
I love you, mom.
Like I was saying, beating those women is...
Is the most important thing.
Oh, Travis, honey... You didn't eat the green cookie, did you?
Yeah. Cookies help me punch harder.
Well, it's just that the green one contained
a secret germ warfare virus
like in "sgt. quasar"
but it slowly turns human brains into
mentally handicapped monkey brains.
Nuh-uh.
It could be happening already.
Are you thinking about bananas right now?
Think carefully about bananas
before you answer.
Oh, my God. I am thinking about bananas!
I don't want to be a monkey!
Why did you put that cookie
on the buffet table?!
We don't have time for me to explain that now!
Dick is the only one with the antidote,
but you might have to be really nice to him
for a long time before he even admits
he knows what you're talking about.
I can do it. I can do that!
Dick! Can I bring you a hot dog, buddy?
♪ She a party girl living in a party world ♪
♪ Ain't no girl like a party girl ♪
♪ 5'8" maybe a few inches shorter ♪
♪ Them heels threw me off your hairdo's in order ♪
♪ Sweatin' in the gym ♪
♪ Ooh, girl, you're dangerous ♪
♪ Snap a couple pictures ♪
♪ Now you're Instagram famous ♪
♪ Girl don't be ashamed ♪
♪ You ain't gotta be ashamed ♪
♪ Them other bitches hatin' ♪
♪ Cuz they hardly in the game ♪
♪ Callin' you a lame ho ♪
♪ They know your name, though ♪